its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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