I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
