Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
