What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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