My friends, they love my intelligence
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
