I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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