none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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