are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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