i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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