I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
