He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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