i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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