you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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