i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
