he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
