he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
