yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
