don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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