You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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