There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
