I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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