How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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