The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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