just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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