I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
