and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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