After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
