I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
