why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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