i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
