Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
