I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
