Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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