I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
