I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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