if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
