The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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