Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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