Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
