Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
