dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
