ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I cut my penus on the lid.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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