what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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