my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
