i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
