I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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