I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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