I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
