i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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