Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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