the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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