If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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