before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
